The Gods must be crazy (Part I)

I already knew my life was their entertainment, before T.I., before the Truman show, before my fabulous debut on planet earth, but I didn't know how much the Gods liked to mock me. It's not the first time, when I've met an absolutely gorgeous, intriguing and intoxicating man, who instantly repulsed me because he had the same name as someone from the past. Same Name! I'm now terribly adept at ignoring the Gods attempts to upset me, for example, by having the on-off-long-distance-ex-non-boyfriend's-father & mother & now brother constantly calling, meeting or needing my father to do something. My father, of course, is in on it, he & the God's make sure I'm their clown and I don't forget how foolish I am. . But I don't mind - It's not the first time when I've just had to stop at laugh at myself.

But today, 11 years later, exactly, April Fools day (oh, the IRONY!!!), today, is the day when I fully realised I exist to entertain. This morning, right outside my office, where I work, my place of work, this is where he stood. My ex, he stood right outside my office door. The same ex that I started dating 11 years ago today. The same ex who left Zimbabwe for England at the end of that year. The same ex who got beat up at school for dating a black girl but never told me. The same ex, who's entire family was atheist, but got himself to church with me every Friday and Sunday. This same ex, who speaks fluent Spanish and lived in South America and Spain. This same ex, who 8 years after our break up, publicly and angrily told me I was racist and a liar. This same ex, that I have not seen for 10 years, stood outside my office this morning.

I did nothing. Said nothing. Didn't look up or at him or behind me when he past me by.

I finally realise what I'm doing wrong. I'm a pusher. I joined a church confirmation class, because I liked him. Throughout high school, I pushed all my relationships. I fixated on any boy I thought I would like and regardless of whether I knew him or not, I found a way to make him mine. It worked for the most part, but at some point, it all came crashing down. I forced fate. On the other hand, surely high school relationships aren't meant to last forever? Surely, going to get what you want, isn't punishable? But it is. It messes up that imaginary path or paths of fate and suddenly you get to 25, and you're so alone, and you're up late at night, typing to your blog, and wondering why you're so alone and blaming the Gods that you don't really believe in. The Gods must be crazy? No. I think I must be.