I quit!

Have you seen the movie A Guy Thing - hilarious. You know that really strange-looking Albino dread-locked red haired dude who drives the Taxi Cab at the end... Yip... I went on a date with his brother or twin or alter-ego.

INT. CHINESE BUFFET- STYLE RESTAURANT. EVENING

I, insanely nervous, thinking it would make a bigger, "independent woman" statement NOT to call the guy I've never met before to help me find him in the restaurant... (AND BREATHE)... I decide to get my swagger on, with the four inch-heeled boots and cute smile in tact, I spot him. Now, its not that he doesn't look like his pictures but.........

THE DATE
(standing to greet me, and plopping a big wet one on my cheek)
Oh my God, it's so good to meet you.


ME
(fake smile, obsessing about his very wet saliva on my face)
Oh yeah, it's good to meet you too. *
* (very ashamed of being so judgemental so early on, he might be a great guy??)


THE DATE
Can I get you anything?


ME
Tea please, would be great...


THE DATE
(Summary of the LONG monologue in semi-chronological order)
Oh my God, you're beautiful... why can't you get a guy?...
I had a terrible heartbreak with a girl seven years ago, put myself into my work, and socialising
I own 3 companies - head of online... (something to do with other people's money)....
I'm going to this electro-dance rave elitist club where you have to ask people you can touch them and you can socialise
I hate labels, and my music taste is seasonal, dark things in the winter, light music in the summer
I am vegetarian... sometimes, but I eat meat, everything in moderation, I love bacon, I am also vegan (??????) but i realised it was anti-social
I have NO television and no radio, I haven't watched TV in years, you shouldn't watch TV, media corrupts and it's much better to socialise.
I'm a quarter Irish and 3/4s nigerian and also french.
I read the Alchemist in Greece all by myself on an island, I missed socialising
I'm 36, not 30 like I said on my profile. I didn't want to miss out on anyone. I like to socialise with younger people too
I'd really like to see you again and come to one of your tea parties, it would be good socialising.

ME
(thinking)
I can look past the untidy dirty dreadlocks, the leather pants, the 7 inch platform doc martin boots ... (btw... theres no way you're 6 ft!!)... But if you say socialise again I will punch you and I don't really want to stop watching TV, I don't want to go to an elitist rave group thingie, and I don't really want to date a 36 year old and I don't want you to come too my tea parties.... and I don't want to hear you talking about yourself all day, every day... I don't really want you at all, You're probably not as bad as I'm thinking you are, but I really want the silly boy I've been stupidly talking to all day, because it's Valentine's day, and I love him and yes, that's him calling again...

(saying to the date)
Oh, wow, well that's interesting, intriguing (in response to everything, so x 100)

THE DATE
I'd love to see you again.

ME
I really have to run.

Gross wet kiss on the cheek again. At least he doesn't smell?!
Walk away.

Cellphone BEEP BEEP.... The date TEXTS... "So glad you looked back, you're beautiful"

ME
(On the phone to vee)
OMG... I hope he's not following me... I'm going to look behind me and see if he's still there...