Swan Esteem

I am every bit the girl I wanted to be at this stage.

Perhaps a little shorter. perhaps with a little less money. But all the more, every bit the person, personality, heart, opinions I wanted to be.

So where did I go? Who took me? I've been chasing an identity that isn't mine. I wanted to be the fat kid, the nerdy geek, the child attacked by over sized bullies. Why? Maybe I wanted my story to count for something: The ugly duckling became a swan.

I feel uncomfortable even as I type this - the arrogance, the nerve, but I'm going to type it, and after I type it, I'm going to believe it and live it. I am already a swan, born a swan, lived a swan life. I have been so blessed. I undermine it to feel more accepted. But, in my pursuit of acceptance, I have adopted a personality that is insecure until validated by friend or foe, that is excessively whiny to prove hardships, annoyances and heartbreaks as well as set up to fail, as if people can only empathise with failure.

I won't do it any longer. I cannot live my life needing acceptance from people that I immediately accept as themselves. I won't pretend to be the fat kid turned champion swan to prove that the underdog wins in the end. I am not shy or lonely or unnoticeable or fat or geeky or nerdy or retarded or awkward or socially inept or in need of sympathy or empathy.

The truth is I am both attractive and smart. The truth is I am as pretty internally as I am externally. The truth is I have depth and wisdom beyond my years. The truth is I have a beautiful heart and a spiritual soul. The truth is I am talented and creative. The truth is I have made and will continue to make valuable contributions to the world. The truth is I do love just as I am loved.