Where is the compassion?

I've been a mixed bag of emotions the past couple of weeks, and I wonder how it is that you could hate, miss, be completely indifferent to, then love, and then want to violently run over a person. The tumultuous anger passed, as I knew it would, but then came the numbness - which I think is most difficult to deal with. I think when my heart can't handle the pain, it shuts down completely - I can't feel anything, about anything or anyone. I think this is the point where people start to cut themselves just to feel pain. No alarm bells needed, I wouldn't dream of scarring my pretty little body, but I definitely wanted to just feel something. Now I feel too much and any little phrase worded the wrong way can spark off the water works. Mainly:

I seem to be having the same conversation with all my people over and over again. They all think my loneliness in life and love is my fault, and I'm so tired of hearing it. The same silly conversation that starts with why i am alone, some stupid evaluation of my attractiveness, then comes the blame - it's all your fault you like these kind of men, and you should try harder to open your legs from here to China. Maybe it's me, but I don't see them dating people they don't like - why should I?

Today, however, I had an interesting conversation with a friend I've just recently reconnected with. He asked me what I was waiting for, looking for, asked me to make that list I've made a hundred times - so I did - I said - confidence, intelligence, spirituality, good sense of humour, great listener - and he said to me - well, what about compassion?

I was speechless. Compassion? As in a good person? Compassionate - sort of sensitive to other people, aware of them, and good to them? A good person?! Well, surely that's the most basic of basic wants. Of course it's obvious, so obvious, I don't have to mention it.

SHOCK HORROR DISMAY DISTRAUGHT DISILLUSIONED?! I can vouch that the on-off-long-distance-non-boyfriend-with-girlfriend has all the confidence, intelligence, soul and comedy to keep me thoroughly entertained and in love, in awe of him for a lifetime... but I can't vouch for his heart. I can't vouch that he's a good person. I can't. And ironically enough, my heart, my goodness, my compassion is one of the only things I can vouch for 110%.

Don't give what you don't get? Making new list :-(