5 steps

He is the one. Or one of the ones. He wrote the most beautiful poem, which I'm too insecure to call mine, but I'm pretty sure it was about our situation. He has the exact opposite take on our silent moments. Where I find them completely haunting and terrifying, where I'm thrown into an abyss of messy i-love-you-i-love-you-nots, wondering if he'll be gone for good this time, he finds them "sweet"... he finds the lack of expectations as liberating and progressive. He's right in a way. He is smarter than me.

But I can't keep doing this. That's why it's called the break-up story, because it has to end. I was hoping it would fade away slowly, that one day I'd wake up and be over it and over him. But I suppose, 3 years later, I guess I can confirm, it's kinda real, and it's not going away. But while it's not going away, it's also not working out the way it should.

When it started, I was cool... I liked to be surprised by hearing from him, somehow that got over taken by expecting to hear from him, and that got over taken by needing to hear from him. Desperate? I don't want to be. I know what I want, and I also know my guy - he can't give it to me.

So in response to his poem, in response to my desperateness... he has to go away. I have no choice but to love him, but I can choose how he affects me. And if he's not around, he can't affect me.

Denial
this is where I am now.

Anger
where I will be a week from no when I realise he's gone, gone.


Bargaining
where I will be a week after the anger week when I realise i can't take it back or change my mind

Depression

where I indulge in the rejection, which I've known about all along lol and choke up on all of our songs



Acceptance
The stage I never seem to get to.